When you stop talking to me for a decent amount of time, I will have doubts you even want me to be part of your life because you are not making me part of your day. 

Feb 7
Life sucks. That’s about how to sum it all up. I’ve been having breakdown too oten. All this stress I dont know what to do with my life. I just hate everything. It’s hard actually settling down and write your thoughts on a peice of paper with a pen and just going with the flow because you really don’t know what to say. Or where to start. I’ve been trying to avoid everything. I guess because its easier that way. After something happens, after you break down and cry all those tears. You push all of it away and just avoid it. It’s like you’re pushing your problems away hoping it will disappear and you forget about it. But then when it comes back and you realize you can’t really forget about it because it will always in the back of your mind that is when it’s becomes worst. And you don’t feel at all. It’s just adds on to the other stuff and it gets worst.

A month later, and it still sucks. 

I woke up with a feeling today like something was missing from me. It’s like a hole where that something was. Isn’t it sad when you realize nothing was really there before? That hole, is the spot that was usually filled with temporary happiness. Temporary happiness from when you had a crush on a someone, and you talk and that person made you laugh and smiled and you wake up feeling happy because you know that person likes you too. Then I woke up and had the feeling that those feelings may be gone.

Just last week you said you wanted ‘Forever’ with me. I got scared. I got scared and I still am scared because what is forever? Is there going to be forever? What is your kind of forever? It might be different from my kind of forever. Let me tell you right now, I’m scared of commitment. I’m scared of giving someone my all and then in the end get left with nothing.

When your actions contradict your words and when your actions don’t always follow behind your words it makes me doubt whether to truly believe and trust you.

It’s hard for me to tell someone about my problems. The main reason why I’d cry at night, and have such a hard time speaking up, was I thought I wasn’t worth the trouble. The trouble to help, the trouble to talk to, the trouble someone has to go through to save a life. My problems are nothing. Compared to people without homes and food. Why am I complaining, when I have a roof over my head. That’s why I kept quiet. Because I felt I wasn’t worth saving. So I’d just suffer and I’ll keep on continue suffering. Keep my mouth shut and suffer. And I’ll keep on waiting for someone. To understand. To tell me I’m worth something, I’m worth saving and show me, save me. Someone to tell me I’m not a “useless piece of life.” ‘It’s okay,’ you can speak up. 

I feel like everyone is leaving me. I feel like nobody wants to stay in my life. And I just feel like letting myself be depressed right now and just say what’s on my mind and what I’m feeling so I can let all the negativity out so I don’t need to hold it in. I don’t want anybody to criticize me, saying I shouldn’t be complaining whining etc. because right now I feel like its better to do that than think I want to be gone by killing myself. I’m sorry. For being like this. For letting anybody see me like this.

Somewhere new, somewhere different, somewhere better. We all want it to be easier, to not go through the hardship or struggles we’re currently going through. But truth it, even if we pack up and leave. It’ll still be the same. No matter the location, we’ve all been given a set of lessons to learn and to face. Our past and life is a part of us, and we can never fully leave that behind. 

(via lovesandyxo)

Somewhere new, somewhere different, somewhere better. We all want it to be easier, to not go through the hardship or struggles we’re currently going through. But truth it, even if we pack up and leave. It’ll still be the same. No matter the location, we’ve all been given a set of lessons to learn and to face. Our past and life is a part of us, and we can never fully leave that behind.